Doors

Working on it...

When I see you...

My feet get a little unsteady
for your presence I am never ready
I am overexposed
naked without all my emotional clothes

Those clothes allow me to dismiss you
to lie to myself that I never missed you
that you sank without a trace
that I hadn't got used to your familiar face

I got more than used to it, it felt protective
I would seek out your presence like a detective
and then you disappeared
and I pretended that I didn't care

So between us there is an invisible wall
We no longer play invisible ball
and whenever your around
I am deafened by the silence of that sound

That is when I stumble
like a biscuit I begin to crumble
and I hate biscuits
Just like I hate being the only misfit

I thought you might be a misfit too
and that is what attracted me to you
so when the connection came to an end
I mourned the fact that we may never be friends

But I had blocked that out of my mind
It hurt too much to keep it where I could find
But when I see you I know it never went away
and my messages become to mixed to convey...

Is it just electromagnetic radiation
a photonic display of all our aspirations
the speed the way it burns so bright
just like life, the energy is hard to fight

Most light comes out of the dark
under stars having nidnight feasts in the park
night contrasts the beauty i find
a beauty to which so many others are blind

Often to those that chose to follow deviant ths
coz that was the stone in which they were cast
being cast aside they're forced to hide their shine
Shine
but hiding breeds shame so that part of them dies
because not all the suffering can teach
there are depths no music can reach
we are taught darkness is something to fear
because it casts shadows on how we wish to appear

some willfully deny the shine of others
it is only their shine they wish to buffer
so they will tread on the backs of another
at times seeking light causes others to suffer

just ask africa, war torn land of hurt
lost limbs because of diamonds in the dirt
so that light can be shining next to skin
blinded by false light when true light comes from within

it is the cause of so many a sin
its only worth what we are willing to pay, belongs in a in a bin
if we all did that its value would be gone
because the value is just an elaborate con

light damages heals and allows us to see
from melanomas to laser surgery
but lets remembr all light comes from the sun
without the sun no other light cud ever be shone

The Beauty of Scars

Your scars are like the stars

they shine so brightly

To others

they may be unsightly

In honesty

your scars invite me

like a skin

I would hold you tightly

I saw the story unfold on your skin

I knew

you were all I needed in this life of sin

Long sleeves couldn't hide your cuts

and i'm so used to being shot

I spilt my guts

Our faces were proud

we stood tall

the face is the mask that hides it all

I'll quit that face a thousand times

to follow tracks that lead me to a beautiful mind

Was it a drunken accident or did people hurt you?

the beauty of what you repress

It shines right through you

even though you try to hide it

shaped by what you despise

You will deny it

restricted by your defence mechanisms

Couldn't break those mental chains with an exorcism

I only broke through because I'm scarred like you

I knew exactly what you were going through

When you told me what they'd done to your skin

it was like a volcano had erupted within

I would deny them hands

They blemish the only thing that holds you like I can

I turn anger to passion hoping love will heal you

For you to know they touched you

but they could never feel you

The way that I do

They way you know, I love you so

because I'm fucked up too


I'll hold your hand when you can't hold mine

whenever you succeed to hide that shine



I'll love you even though your love is pain

coz you saw my scars and didn't walk away

you knew hiding made me feel ashamed

but that's a different story for a different day



We both got hurt growing up in the dirt

and bad memories of wearing a skirt

in your scars

I see the sum of your fears

your story, the very reason

you are fierce!



I see the lies behind that smile

I see the blood of emotional scars

bleed out of your eyes

In your eyes I see your song

the more I explored your scars

The more they shone



as we lay here battlescarred

my scars are why I loved you

from the start

My actions invited you

to a mind that could really excite you



coz



My scars are like the stars

they shine, they shine

a shine to which others are blind

I love my scars because they define me

and I had to see your scars

because they

shined so brightly...

Why, Not, Nothing?

13.9 billion years ago
We don’t know precisely what happened
Only that, the universe began expanding
And at that point, our collective fate was handed
To share in an existence where we are all demanding

To get a brain and a body
Designed by physics or a deity
And if this was so exquisitely designed
I’d love the deity to grace our societies

Observe the fruit from its seed of creativity
Reveal true prophecy, relieve our anxieties
And where it came from is what I would mention, because
Every existential answer is a rhetorical question
And now we are in session

There is no magic wand
A hymn is just a song
In this universe of matter
And chemical bonds

To believe in a creator would insult my intelligence
Creating what’s always been does not make any sense
Is man that egotistical to believe?
That universe is something man could ever achieve
No being could be that supreme

There’s string theory, the goldilocks paradox
A nuclear configuration of atoms and cells
A superior alternative to the god hypothesis
But just like sex, religion sells

We are hungry both physically and spiritually
Who would create that hunger, those needs to feed?
Would any creator need to sow that seed?
Why anything at all?
WHY. NOT. NOTHING.

Something has lead to questions
With unobtainable answers
Neither prayer nor study
Makes those answers come any faster

Both symbiotic and parallel
The universe has us gravitated under a spell
It started with a bang and so do we
We need oxygen and so giveth the tree

I’m spinning in this monsters ball
Torn asunder, I was born to wonder
But would any answer
Ever break my fall?

Or provide me with comfort and solace
Reduce my fears of getting old and shopping at Wallis
Explain how bad events often bind us together
And why people blame god
When its nothing but weather

Tectonic plate friction causes tsunami’s and earthquakes
Friction in society breeds violence and mistakes
We are drawn to things that both kill and sustain
Like the love we seek that often causes so much pain

It’s all relative EMC (SQUARED)
We’re all related but still haven’t learnt to share

A collectively diverse nation, stars in a constellation
Ready to rise but now I’ve run out of patience
Sick of awaiting a consciousness renaissance
And witnessing destruction caused by chasing a status

Environmentally and socially we are on a course to hinder
When we could save lives like Schindler
Be perfect all the time, do everything right
And still get struck by a meteorite!

So the big question remains, why are we here?
From molecules to matter, I don’t care
I enjoy the wonder and the mystery
as well as keeping upto date with new discoveries

But, when I think about it analytically
It’s a 14 billion year old crime scene
Though contemplating existence
is my brains favourite toy
The evidence of origin
Must have long been destroyed.

An Altered State

I'm Killing myself softly
but not with a song
as I draw in sustenance
from the end of a bong

I'm elevated chemically
but
am I smoking it or is it smoking me?



I like to pace myself with weed
then when it's time for action
there's, speed speed speed!

Does living fast mean I'll die young
is fun a substitute for the fact I never won

It's been years since I've been on a plane
so the chemicals provide the release that I crave
though I have much more to gain
from never being that chemicals slave

but still a slave i am
for lack of a better plan
I'm one of the damned
I'm one of the damned

That get to bear witness to their self destruction
I'm all too self aware, but I need to function

like...

when I'm out at some club
I've got my vodka, cider, shots and rum
if I'm not stumbling then it's no fun
and my belly's rumbling from the damage I've done

I like being drunk, is that controversial?
I wash away all my drunken sins with Persil
and recover in rapid time
with a little help from GlaxoSmithKline
Though I'm aware that's killing me too
eventually the prophecy is gonna come true

How do I choose with an ambivalent voice
I will lose because I know I've made the wrong choice

I'm killing myself softly
but not with a song
I've realized
the drugs have had me all along
It was coded into my genes
to get fucked off my face via any means

It was destiny, it was fate
to prefer living life in an altered state

I want to resist
but I don't know how
I was high when I wrote this
and I'm high right now...

Trouble...

They come, they go
weaving in and out my life
anger, tears
trouble & strife
being in love with love
and angered by my ways
because i won't
fall in love in a day
their self worth
somehow my responsibility
and because of my mask
they fail to see my fragility

then they wonder
why i let things die
it's coz when i was laughing
they couldn't hear me cry...

The damage a man can do (will write soon)

Pain+Strength= a Decrease in Humanity

Strength has kept me here
which begs a question
with an answer I fear
more than depression

There are dots missing
in this picture
and even at my lowest
i'm loathe
to turn to scripture

or turn to anyone
for fear of being shunned
I just trust myself to do
what needs to be done

but that single minded
mentality
has lead me to believe
I've lost my humanity

humanity is weakness
our soul laid bear
I've lost that
i fear i'm beyond repair

there's pain that's real
and pain percieved
many feelings are just
inaccessible to me

So I play along
with a repetoire
of songs
a carefully constucted way
of getting along

Of course i hurt
of course I cry
a moments release
as feelings quickly die

Then all i have left
is my strength in the cold
another way of saying
i'm bereft of soul

In my humble opinion...

The stronger you are
the more numb you become
getting abused
stops feeling like a
hit and run

for who can a man be
without limitaions
without a breaking point
without the need for salvation

just a shell of a man
who pretends to be

who once felt the burn
vulnerability

Just a shell of a man
a desperate wannabe

i wish i'd lost my mind
instead
of my humanity...

Never saved her...

She'd pray
A thousand ave Marias
hoping a spirit would
take pity & heal her
but it's hard to hear
an emaciated soul
in truth
they just
couldn't feel her...

Untitled

I don't seek to inspire
I don't assume I have a voice
I'm without free will
I don't pretend I have a choice

I'm faithless to the core
I have slammed that door
and furthermore
I don't believe in anything, anymore

I don't believe in belief
to believe is to doubt
I either know or I don't
evidence is paramount

I don't believe in trust
because I can't read minds
it's a silly human game
for which i have no time

the trust game hurts
when its designed to protect
and ends up destroying
what it's meant to correct

It's nonsense
because all you've done
is provided bullets
should they ever need
to use that gun...

The Moon Illusion

Love blinds
causes confusion
i liken loving you
to a moon illusion
because
like an incredible star
you always feel closer
then you actually are

Under harvest moon
I got to reap what i had sowed
wishing the illusion
stopped deluding
my soul windows

I wish to be the tide
that cannot be controlled
i'm fed up of playing
fuck the game, i fold...

The most powerful opponent

You really need to stop holding me down
I've won many a fight
but with you
I don't know how

You are just too strong
You are just plain wrong
you have turned me into
a bird without song

A bird without wings
envious of those who sing
attempts reveal
the diamond shine
of tears glistening

never trying for the fear
that i'll achieve
because if i do
i know you'll take it from me

why do you do this to me?
loving me as much as you do
it's such cruelty
what you keep putting me through

telling me i'm not deserving
that i'm not worthy
that i'll always be a servant
to the things that hurt me

things of which you are a component
and this makes you a very worthy opponent

but I'm ready now
so take me on if you dare
nows the time you're going down
along with my fear


It's the girl in the mirror
I wanna give her a slap
though if I get physical
she will surely crack
then i'll crack within
the evil twin will win
and i'll forever be crushed
by her destructive sins

I am better than that
i am better then her
she is a constant attack
on my sense of worth
I'm a rebel with cause
she's a rebel with none
if substance wins wars
I have already won...

The Mask...

Anger is the pride
before a fall
anger is a mask
that builds a wall
around emotions
that lay undiscussed
rage is camoflage, rage is lust...

Please

I said mister
please don't take my child
me & she are doing fine
I'll treat her fine & well
she is my charm
my little bell

the stake in my heart
the blood that heals
the one that's taught me
how to feel

something so small
has really changed me once and all
I would smell her breath
i've achieved her
there is nothing left
she is the hope
that soothes the pity
a calm in the chaos
of the city

So mister
please don't take my child
true in the past i ran wild
but i've seen alot
i've lived a life
and now she's all i've got
i can educate my little bean
to help her realise her dreams

I'll prove myself
to the jury
coz if i lose her
I am nothing but fury

Mister
please don't take my child
when you come by
we cling & cry
You know mothers not sane
but that doesn't mean
I'll be the same

all i have to do
are things not done with me
a sprinkle of nan
my unique quirks
and love every ounce of
her unique worth

Please give me that chance
this is one life
i will enhance
will you help me?
rid the man supressing me

but mister said "oh no"
"we don't think you can cope alone"

16

flat

young mums group

jewellry making

getting rid of baby weight

social services bullshit

friend bullshit

kid, fulltime job
supporting them
& that slob
taking all of his abuse
while pretending joy
you believed was truth

If I can't cope alone mister-no-one can
just give me a chance to fulfill my plan

I said mister
please don't take my child
don't take my hope
don't steal my cries
she filled the hollow, the gaping hole
captured parts, i thought were sold...

Ordinary

In every form i'm a minority
hell sent on a path of low priority
I'm missing the tools to conform
so progressively
i'm ever more withdrawn

I want to connect, i want to relate
to be part of a collective fate
safety comes in many digits
and being a maverick has it's limits

I have dreams of being ordinary
quietly content to the point of boring
predictable, calm and steady
so gently paced, it causes snoring

I dream of having a cafe one day
just a normal cafe, where i fill my days
it may not be the path of wealth
but satisfaction is more pivitol to the self

I'm very open to trying new things
I wanna try normaility & all that brings
no thrills or unpredictable rides
serving only to speed up my limited time...

A home...

It was a home without a heart
a home that callously tore me apart
the home that sowed the seed
blinding all to my basic need

evil was it's course
backed by a malevalent force
a rock & a hard place
choices that you have to make

it was a home that trembled my lip
as i lay aboard that sinking ship
a deviant past with no tomorrow
riding current waves of sorrow

It was a home of discontent
a home where years of hell i spent
it must have been cursed
evil always found us first

The home was autocratic
responsive fear was automatic
it's where i ballet danced
loud steps would incur a wrath

it's where i dared to hope
without it i could not have coped
in a home full of lies
a home where innocence cannot thrive

It was a home without a heart
a home that callously tore me apart
the home from which i flew
discovering joy & pastures new...

There's no place like home...

I could have paid off my debt
or bought a brand new phone
but I bought the red shoes
because there's no place like home

and i'm not speaking of bricks & mortar
but the body you nourish with food & water
that's your home because it has your heart
death befall's anyone without that part

My body literally has my back
and will protect me when under attack
It can defend by creating a shield
it can offend by the weight it can make you feel

My body also loves without words
but my bodys words can be a destroyer of worlds
in one vein its a loving embrace
the next it's a metaphorical slap in the face

my body can sink to the lowest of lows
nearly low enough to be rented for dough

I could of paid off my rent
or bought a dog a bone
but I bought the red shoes
because there's no place like home

This home's subject to wear & tear
till the time comes & it's no longer here
don't use & abuse if you cannot repair
don't miss the clues if it's in your face they stare

You only get one and if you fuck it up
you may find yourself stuck in a rut
and thats a shame, it's not what bodies are for
our hot bodies are built to endure

built to fight, built to surrender
built to be tough & built to be tender
built to strive for the very best
built to pass a magnitude of tests

I honour my body, I don't give it away
I don't need to spread the love in that way
I'll let the so-called players play
knowing it won't be me the players lay

once i strayed from the path of peace
I was beauty playing the beast
it was my body I abused the most
whilst seeking resolution & keeping hope

I could repent
for there are sins for which i have to attone
but i bought the red shoes
because there's no place like home

It's the red shoes I choose no matter the cost
for the only home that I never lost...

Nobody

I'm the one who both fought & flew
The one who knew without any clue
the one who made a barrage of mistakes
whilst surrounded by a stigma too hard to shake

I'm the one with the gun in hand
ready to shoot all who fuck with my plan
I guess that gun should be pointed at me
I've fucked myself more than anybody

I'm the one who marched to a beat of thunder
the body stood strong but the spirit's asunder
the body works hard looking for parts
desperately seeking to be enhanced

There are so many memories I repressed
the question who am i is more like a test
What is my value, what is my cost
how can I know this when so much of me is lost

am I a lamb to the slaughter
the governments daughter
a destructive surplus presence
within these borders?

the childhood whore
the emotional chore
the one with her bowl out begging for more?

most likely
i'm all of the above & more
refined like a lady
yet, explicitly raw
all in all i'm undefined
I'm the contract nature won't sign

i am the one who both fought & flew
the one commanding respect thats overdue
but i'll die waiting
because i am nobody:
nobody
nobody
nobody
hoping for that somebody who's nobody too...

Shackled

Love is a prison
and my mind holds the key
but if love is in the mind
How can I be free?

Love builds but love also wrecks
and activates an abandonment complex
I thought i was born ready for anything
Though I may never be ready for a diamond ring

They signify death & with that I choke
I can except love without the bullshit hope
though it must be great to have stopped finding
to love someone so much you'd make it
legally binding

though I don't need that promise in all sincerity
no-one ever loved me unconditionally
no matter what is the impossible dream
and a writer prefers fantasy over the real

In reality i do have a tortured soul
invariably we end up alone
and it will probably be my fault too
I've always played this love game without rules

I'm a love anarchist
and alone in the abyss
and i'm in chains
because I don't wanna feel like this

I wish I was on the scale of psychopathy
then feeling wouldn't obstruct me
I was jealous of mum for being on that scale
but that is an even more restrictive jail

so i'm greatful for that loving ability
but just once I'd like to be set free
attracting love isn't the problem that i'm having
it's that I attract love without understanding

That blind love doesn't satisfy
inevitably those ties painfully die
I cannot invest my entire heart
when i can see the finish line right at the start

What you want is what makes you weak
injects pain causing your eyes to leak
I hate all my wants & despise my needs
If i didn't want love i'd have all i need...